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One thing you will learn about me is that even in times of dispare I can't wait to find out what
will happen next. My life is all a meaningless dream to me, though to others it could make the difference that saves their
own life.
A wise man once told me "God is a string." I agree with him to an extent, but i believe God may possibly be a chain.
We are all a part of the chain, therefore, we are all our own god. This explains why we all live to make only ourselves happy
and try to have a grand effect on everyone else's lives.
Growing up, I searched for a reason why I was put here. I wondered who was in control of what happened
to me and I wondered about God. People convinced me that if I found a quiet place and had secret
conversations with the air, God could hear me. Every answer to every prayer was a thought that entered into my own mind. That
made me wonder why God's voice sounded just like mine. By the time I was 11 and had developed my own opinion I searched
harder because I could no longer rely on my what my parents had to say. I learned that my parents had no idea
of who their daughter really was. Still, I wondered how God could see into my head and hear what I think if
my own parents couldn't. After all, my parents watched me like a hawk and still didn't understand me. I went to church to
worship "God" three times each week and I'd always come out feeling so relieved of stress and worry. However, I
would still feel guilt for certain things I'd done. I wondered why I couldn't forgive myself for things God had already
"forgiven and forgetten." So many things ran through my ignorant mind until just a few hours ago. The reason I searched so
hard and never found God is because I was looking to everyone but myself. When my life goes wrong it's because I made a mistake.
When I get sick it's because I made a mistake. When I get well it's because I took medicine. When I get cancer, well I smoked
too many cigarettes.
When I pray and get answers it's because I sat down and thought about things through a clear view. When storms
happen, we look to science, not God. No one controls what happens in weather but the earth itself. Earth does not care if I
get killed in a tornado, because the earth is just like me, it's own god. I don't care if I step on an ant while I'm walking, I
was walking for my own pleasure. When a star burns out, no one cares, there's a million more where that one
came from. I don't cry when your dog dies because I don't care about your dog or your happiness, I live for myself and what
makes me happy. I am my own god.
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